One Month In...

I meant to do a reflective New Year's post about 2011 being that I was pretty quiet on this blog. I was going to talk about how the year changed me by all the experiences I was able to enjoy. It seemed to be the thing to do as it's the time of year where everybody publishes some sort of year end recap either about their lives or things that happened in the world. To spare you the multiple paragraphs I could write about 2011, I'll just say that I learned a lot about myself this year through other people. I paid attention and I gambled on myself to see what I could manage. I'm not saying that I was completely successful but I do feel a bit taller than I did a year ago.

The relationship, the job, the friendships - all seem to evolve this past year. Seeking out Derrin as I did was probably my first step in what made the year quite different. I was involved with a couple different guys in January but I had my eyes set on him and by March we were dating officially. Over the course of the Spring things kind of just fell into place and by summer we had decided to move in together in September. In retrospect it was too fast and it's caused much friction on many levels. Again something I learned. Living with somebody is such an adjustment and especially if you've been living on your own without a roommate for the last 7 years like myself it's takes a great deal of patience as you work out the kinks. Believe me - not all the kinks are worked out, every so often I find myself dreaming about living back in my condo. I think that a lot of people give up rather quickly these days on the relationships that they are in and aren't willing to work on the faults. They are more interested in finding faults in the other person rather than admitting their own. Compromise is a word you hear over and over again when experts talk about relationships and there's a reason for that. I'd like to say that Derrin is the stubborn one but in all truth I know that I am just a guilty. When you can strike the right balance of needs - that's when it works. No moment is forever and like a giant swinging pendulum you have you learn how to ride out the storms. Live each day as a day and not over think about what that person did or said.

Being in the relationship has changed how I see my friends. I think when you're the single one you tend to be a bit of a rebel because you can be and do things that are not always constructive to maintaining friendships. I've had a good core group of friends now since 2005 or so and they've helped me grown into the person I am today. There was a time not too long ago when i would call them boring and not really be interested in doing the "couple things" that they all seem to be doing. So I sought out new friends who I felt were more fun and were interested in going out and having a good time on the weekends. Well since I've been with Derrin the group I ran away from are the ones I seem to spend the most amount of time with. As for the whole going out thing it's true what they say - once you shack up those long nights of partying until the early hours just don't happen very often. I still make an effort to see the friends who were there with me having a good time out at Woody's or Fly when I needed it. They keep me young and that's very soothing especially if you are going through a rough patch at home with the boy and you need to go out and feel pretty again. They also aren't afraid to call me out when I get too comfortable just staying at home.

The job - it's a dream, it really is. I have to remind myself of that whenever I get frustrated because no matter what I do after this, I'll never have as much fun. That's probably not true though as I'm pretty good at finding the fun in just about anything, however it does make me appreciate the opportunity that I have earned. After 10 years in the apparel retail world to finally be the GM of the flagship HMV is something I would've never thought I'd get to be. It's not forever and that's what keeps me grounded. It's what keeps me fighting for the business despite the fact that our best years are far behind us. I am inspired by my team as they want to fight just as much as I do and together we are able to achieve some incredible things despite feeling like we are the last ones leaving the party. The media has done a great job at overblowing the demise of physical goods in the entertainment marketplace. They would like nothing better than to see our doors close so they could say "we told you so". What they won't report on is how many people come to us because of the experience we provide that is a stark contrast to the void they feel when they are at home buying digital. I know that these people are less and less each year but just for the record (pun intended) CD sales were actually up last year against the previous for the first time in a decade. Don't get me wrong - the writing's on the wall as I always like to say but it doesn't mean we should just stop because that's what the world expects us to do. Time will tell just how long we will be able to hold out. With all this said, I go in everyday anyway trying to make it better than it was the day before. That's all anyone should aspire to do regardless of what role you play in the world.

On a final note - this year started with a bit of sadness as my only grandfather passed away very unexpectedly on New Year's Day. I didn't always have the greatest relationship with him and it wasn't really till this past decade that we actually connected. He leaves behind my beloved grandmother who I absolutely adore. They were married for 62 years which is something that just doesn't happen anymore. She's a little off her rocker sometimes but I think that makes me love her more. I often think that my neurosis stems from her and I find comfort in that. She means well and has always believed in me, even at times when I didn't believe in myself. I think that she loves the world more than it will ever know and her spirit is something everyone could use a little dose of. It saddens me to think about how her life will go on now without him but she is stronger than what she'll let on and I'm sure will create a whole new life of her own. I am grateful that I was able to fly out to BC for the funeral and was able to spend time with her like I did. In fact it was a vehicle to reconnect with several members of my family that I hadn't seen in awhile and we were able to share stories and a few precious moments that will never be forgotten.

Since this is kind of a New Year's post I will make one resolution to myself and one to you. My resolution to myself is to be less reactive to the people I have relationships with. Friends, lovers, and co-workers. I expect too much from others and sometimes too little. I hope that I can learn more about myself through even more crazy experiences this year. My resolution is to you. I'm never really sure who reads this thing but I commit to documenting more about my life so that I can look back at it years from now and appreciate my youth and acknowledge the path I was on.

Till next time - which based on the above shouldn't be too far away.

'Bout Time...

I'm totally aware that I've been neglecting you lately. Like a lover gone away - I abandoned you for a few months didn't I? Well fear not as I am back with a few lines about the crazy world I live in.

First major update would be that Derrin and I moved in together in September. It's certainly a first for me to live with a boyfriend. New territory is always a bit unnerving isn't it? I think that it's been an adjustment for both of us in the sense that unlike a roommate you go to bed together every night and wake up every morning together. I've been fiercely independent my whole life and have made it my thing not to rely on anyone because I like the control that comes with being self sufficient. This behaviour though has had it consequences because often it's meant that I didn't let anybody into my world that went against the things I'm used to doing. Derrin and I aren't perfect and it's not like the romance you see in the movies. We have our tender moments of course but for the most part what we have created together just works. Sure I wish he liked my music more and was interested in more things I am interested in. I think we'd have less waves in our relationship if this was the case. Regardless we carry on with what we do share in common and allow each other to express our interests through our friends. He adds tremendous value to my life and the journey we are on is ever growing.

Second update would be with my hmv dream. Very unexpectedly I was promoted to the GM position of the Toronto Superstore. You would only have to scroll back to my post around June 2009 to understand the significance to this event. I never would've thought my boss would go on to other things but due to circumstances he did so this promotion is bittersweet as he has left very big shoes to fill. Working with him these past 2 years has been the best crash course in learning about how to run the monster that is our store. A legend is this man and I was fortunate enough to work along side him. As the future of the store is uncertain, we continue to fight the fight without him and hope that the powers that be can see the value in our business like we do. Big stores cost money operate and without saying much more - we are in jeopardy. The Robson street location in Vancouver is prime example as to what I mean. Only time will tell what happens to us but in the meantime there's a team in play who are passionate about making the most of the time we have. They say you have the power to control your own future - what we all need is a bit more faith.


What would a post be without some music mentions right?

First off I am in love with the Dum Dum Girls - they just released their sophomore record called "Only in Dreams" on Sub-Pop records. Think old school Pretenders - I love their sound. Chrissie would be so proud. The singles to check out are "Bedroom Eyes", "Caught in One" & "Coming Down".

My next discovery is Lana Del Ray - her single "Video Games' is hauntingly beautiful and is a MUST to download. No LP planned yet that I can see but her other single "Blue Jeans" is also getting buzz.

Marina & The Diamonds are back with a new single that is off their forthcoming release in the spring. The track is infectious and fun and needs to be on your gym playlist right now. "Radioactive" has a hot video and some great remixes to promote the single and it should push the band back into the spotlight with their sophomore release.

Hey Mr. DJ Put a Record On...

I caved - I totally did...

I bought Derrin a stereo system and turntable in April as a surprise present that was for really no reason at all. He had all these vinyl records at his place and the record player he had was in dire need of repair (not to mention some dusting). I myself have never had a record player since I was a child. I had one of those Fisher Price ones - whenever I mention that people automatically know what I'm talking about. Anyway I didn't have any of my own records though so I would listen to my sisters. She didn't have very many as by the time I was old enough to know anything about music she had already moved on to cassettes. I remember playing Olivia Newton John's greatest hits record a lot but other than that I don't remember much else. As I discovered Madonna in the later eighties I had bought a few 45's that I would play on that thing but that was it. Anyway this past week after much consideration and eagerness I got my own SONY turntable. I have too many consoles and shit so I never thought I had room for one in my set up but alas I made it work and now this new adventure begins.

Since working at the store I've slowly been pulled back toward this format of music - I think there is something so retro about it that I get excited just thinking about putting a record on. In a time when music is the most accessible it's ever been - there's something special about vinyl that gives you an experience. From the artwork to the linear notes to the occasional popping sound of the needle finding it's groove - you really can appreciate the work that went into creating an album. While hipsters have long embraced this near forgotten gems - I really have grown to appreciate the inconvenience of having to flip the record when a side is done. Or that moment of joy just before the needle drops to play your favourite song.

Today I set out on my first record hunting day - I've got my list of some titles I want. From The Doors to The Cure to Fleetwood Mac - I'm looking forward to what I will find. I'm sure it will be the first of many trips down Queen St. W to search for something cool...

Tweet Me!

I noticed yesterday that my followers on Twitter are dwindling... Don't get me wrong my friends aren't ditching me but the random follower requests from real estate brokers and female escorts just aren't coming to me like they used to.

Anyway this is me @DerekShane - go ahead and add me... you won't regret it.

Never Comin' Back from Copperhead Road...

Late last month the legendary Steve Earle came by the Superstore to promote his new record. Steve and I go way back and I owe that to my brother who got a Steve Earle record for Christmas in 1988. I also have fond memories of two stepping with my mother at AA dances in the late 80's. "Guitar Town" in particular brings me back instantly to that time. I love the rawness of his voice and he's got such a signature sound... At the store he sang about 5 or 6 songs including an acoustic version on Copperhead Road which made me melt. The crowd was a bit smaller than expected but everyone who was there had a great time. There's clips on YouTube if you want to check them out...

My brother gets credit for exposing me to certain artists for sure. As much as I was caught up in the Pop world - I would always be curious to what he was listening to. I love The Doors and there's no way I would have known them so early on if it weren't for Dave. There was this time around '91 when the family had a get together and I remember him talking about The Doors and saying something like "we loveed The Doors when The Doors weren't cool". There's about of handful of artists that I connect Dave to - Jeff Healey, Eric Clapton, Muddy Waters, Echo & The Bunnymen.... They are scattered throughout my iPod but when they play I always think of him.

Let the Sun Shine In...

Officially this week is the start of Spring, although looking out the window today doesn't really seem to paint that picture. We've been hit with some more snow which is odd because it's been rather warm-ish the past week or so. My favourite thing about Spring is how the days get longer and that feeling of renewal in the air. After the cold and darkness of winter. there is something inspiring about walking outside without a jacket on. Soon will come the flip flops and shorts and the warmth of the sun.

The winter was interesting for me - I ended up dating someone for about 2 months starting in November. I had fallen hard for an old boyfriend (Kevin) that had my whole world turned upside down in October. So to distract myself from feeling like crap I set up dates with a couple guys I had been chatting with on Plenty of Fish. It's my own way of coping I guess - if you can't be with the one you love find someone else who will distract you from how you feel. Not exactly the most self-less thing to do but it works. Anyway so after a few weeks of casual drinks here and there this guy and I started to spend more time together. He was really sweet and I genuinely appreciated him in my world. So soon came the holidays and such and he made an effort to make them really special for me being that my family is always so far away. I enjoyed spending time with him as we always had fun no matter what we were doing. I think looking back that's why it made it difficult to determine what path we were on.

Let's add some spice to this story. So X and I (that's what we'll call him) never talked about being exclusive or anything so in the middle of December I had met someone who lives in my building while I was at the gym one night. I didn't think much of it as my world is super crazy around Christmas time. Anyway as I saw this fellow a few more times I started to develop a bit of a crush and it really made me start to pull away from the guy I was dating. I suppose according to the rules of a relationship this could be defined as cheating but X and I never really established what we were doing and therefore I didn't feel as guilty. If anything it helped me figure out that my feelings towards X weren't "that way" and he really had been just a good companion for the holidays. Sucks for him I know as I really felt he was falling for me but I knew I couldn't be what he wanted me to be. Cut to my late night tweet on Jan 21 that went "To like someone who's not your boyfriend - how wrong is that..." I know I need to work on my communication skills, I am aware of that but I was totally crushing on the new boy that night.

So after a few awkward weeks in January I decided to part ways with X and move on with my pursuit of the boy in my building. He was always so hard to hang out with as he always seemed so busy. I was finally able to get into his world around mid February when he let me in. As for X, he cut me out of his life but then decided that it was okay to hang out with my friends - how fucked up is that? I warned my friends of how annoyed I was being that X even deleted me from his Facebook. I was disappointed in my friend's behaviour as much as I was with his. X's excuse was that he doesn't have to capacity or character to be friends with exes. Well I didn't have the capacity to be in love with him. Time will tell as to how that pans out. Good riddance.

As for the hot boy in my building - things are going very well. It's the best it's been for me in awhile. We decided to go "steady" a couple weeks ago so that's a good sign of things to come. As always relationships for me are a hard thing as I've been more "out of them" in my life than "in them". Being as independent as I am, it's always a struggle to have everything balance out. I over-think things all the time and I need to push my mind out of the way more often and enjoy the ride. But D (we'll call him that) makes me feel good and I love having him in my life. I know I've ranted and raved before on this blog about boyfriends and such but I think there's something different about this one.

Happy 33 to me...

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me...

Hello 33 - let's have some fun!

Sorry I've been so quiet lately - I actually feel like I have a lot to share. I promise to do a real post soon full of great things. Loads of music out right now that you should be listening too. I have tangled stories of boyfriends you might find interesting and of course my usual thoughts on the world.

Till then,

D.