The Shouldice Blog!

Monday May 25^th.

Well I am here. I’ve known about this day for well over 3 months now. I was a little freaked out being that I’ve never had any kind of serious medical issue to deal with in my lifetime. I was here back in February when I waited over 4 hours to get a consultation from a surgeon. This place it seemed was where all hernias of the world came to get repaired, I couldn’t believe how long it took just to spend 10 minutes with the guy. Who knew hernias could be so popular?

This place is gorgeous though... surrounded by lush gardens and close to 23 acres of greenery, this hospital redefines the common stigmas attached to most medical institutions. Aside from the great landscaping, the interior is almost just as nice. The rooms are made to feel more like you are staying at hotel and the staff seem to pride themselves on how well they treat their patients. In a world where healthcare is on the decline, this place could be described as something of the past.

Today was pretty painless. Aside from the tedious admission process, blood work and weird wait times, I’m looking forward to the experience I am going to have here this week. My roommate Rocky seems like a pretty good guy, we’ve already played a couple of games of pool so far. Yes pool. There’s a putting green too, but that will have to wait till later in the week. Dinner was OK – kind of bland. There was some other reunion function going on after our dinner so we think the meal we got was made because it was easy. Tomorrow I won’t be eating much at all, Wednesday’s blog will have to give you the full update on the food situation.

My surgery is scheduled for 11:30am tomorrow and they are getting us up at 7 or so to get shaved, My shower afterward will be my last until almost a full week. They will give us the drugs a hour and half before we go to the OR; I’m not going under for this procedure – it’s just a sedative and local aesthetic. After the surgery I am supposed to sleep for 4 hours and then try to get up and move around in my room. One patient said that it hurts less if you keep moving, I’ve got a high pain tolerance but I am not shy about asking for more drugs. Tomorrow will likely be much of a bed day which is fine because I could use the rest and I’ve got some great books to read and DVD’s to watch.

I’m expecting my first round of visitors’ tomorrow night. I really hope my friends come out to support me throughout the week. Since I don’t have the benefit of having family here, my friends are the next best thing.

Well that’s enough typing for now – I think the Golden Girls are calling my name...

Wednesday May 27^th

Well to no surprise I didn’t get around to writing anything yesterday. It was definitely very interesting and full of “firsts” for me. My palms immediately started to sweat the moment they knocked on my room’s door . I don’t like not knowing what’s going on. I like to know the plans, such as A leads to B, followed by C. I wasn’t sure how the surgery was going to go, I simply just had to go with the flow and pray that I would be looked after. From my room they brought me to the pre-op room where they gave me six pills to take; 3 Valium, 2 oxy-something and 1 Gravol. Needless to say within the hour I was quite relaxed. After about an hour of laying down, two nurses came to take me to the operating table. I could walk there but I was pretty dopey so they kind of guided me as to where to go. Once on the table I really wasn’t that nervous to be honest. They administered the local anesthetic and I don’t remember even feeling that. I did ask for more sedative though so they gave me a little something extra in the arm and some oxygen to ensure I kept breathing. It helped alot as I didn’t notice the incision being done or anything. Only a few times did I stray away from my daydreams to notice a pull or two, nothing an extra injection of local freezing wouldn’t fix. Before I knew it the operation was done and I was being unstrapped from the bed and being sat down in a wheelchair. From there it was time to be rolled back to my room for a much needed rest. When I finally got back to my bed I got two more Tylenol 3’s from the nurse. I also got a nice surprise from my family – a beautiful bouquet of spring flowers. They smelt amazing! Shortly later another nurse came to do a bit of clean up of the left over iodine left from the surgery. After a quick wipe down I was good to sleep.

We were woken when our dinner came around 4:30 or so... Neither of us had eaten all day so we were starving. My lunch went down pretty easy and I fell back to sleep right afterward. Rocky on the other had woke up about 30 minutes later and threw up all over the floor. I could only imagine how much that must have hurt! Anyway after a quick clean up from the aides we were back to lying peacefully undisturbed in our beds. We finally got up for real just after 6pm... I felt good actually. Well as good I you can possibly be after having your groin sliced open. We walked around the halls as we weren’t allowed to leave our floor. Back and forth we went, swapping war stories with those who would listen. Soon it would be time for visitors so we eventually went back to our rooms.

Rocky’s family came first; I so met his parents and his step daughter. I met his wife the day before. They brought him a bag full of goodies such as treats and whatnot. My good friend Darryl came next... He has been so supportive for me this year helping me go through my various trials and tribulations. We walked around the halls, we dished about the usual stuff. We ended up playing some pool in the lounge. While we were playing, he got a phone call from his mom. His grandmother had fallen quite ill last week and was dying. Well when his mother called it was indeed with the bad news that his grandmother had passed. He was glad that he was with me when he heard the news. That’s what any great relationship is about – having give and take. Much to my surprise two more friends Bill and Sean strolled into the lounge and found us playing pool. It felt so great to have friends come all this way just to see me. For those two hours it was like we were hanging out in the village somewhere and not at some hospital.

After they left it was time for snack time! This is good because I was getting serious hunger pains and was really looking for a remedy. I couldn’t decided what was more uncomfortable – the incision or the hunger pains. I pigged out at snack time; banana bread, cookies, toast and orange juice. They have Tazo tea here which is the same brand Starbucks uses... it’s nice to have a bit of luxury no matter where you are. After snack time I hit the nurses’ station ensuring I had enough drugs to last me the night. I read a bit before hitting the bed. Overall I was quite proud of myself for getting through the worst of it.

This morning they took out half of my clips, I was so surprised by the cut I had to take a picture of my incision! It’s like a battle wound of some sort I swear! If I’m courageous enough I’ll post it to the blog. The hunger pains have subsided quite a bit but I’m really quite tender and sore down there still. They told Rocky and I that they want to send us home a day earlier now. I’m not sure how I feel about that as I kind of like this experience so far. I think by going home though it will force me to be stronger and will speed up my recovery. Well I better see if I can get more drugs, we have exercises to do at 11am! Ciao for now!

Friday May 29^th

I’m finally living out my Carrie Bradshaw moment – typing this from a Starbucks. I guess that means you will have figured out that I’m no longer in the hospital. I was discharged a day early as they needed beds and there didn’t seem to be any complications from my surgery.

The remainder of Wednesday was good. During the exercises you could tell who was faring better than the others. I was doing fine really – those hunger pains I wrote about before were actually a gas issue. My plumbing still wasn’t running so the nurse gave me some mild laxative and some prune juice to see if we could get things going. As the day went on I was able to let the gas out but it wouldn’t be till the next day the train would leave the station.

Wednesday night my friend Shannon came by, it was pouring rain so I really couldn’t take her outside to the gardens but we did play a game of pool and attempted to play shuffleboard. What are the rules of shuffleboard really? I suppose I could Google it but we seemed to have fun anyway. Shannon’s presence was definitely being noticed by the other patients. Not that anyone had me pegged for queer but from some it was nice to see me have her there. Irene who I had befriended from day one commented to me how lovely Shannon seemed and asked if we were together. I said that we’d been friends for many years but I didn’t flat out say we weren’t together either. Irene was a sweet lady, she was a retired school teacher and she was one of the only female patients in the facility during my stay. Through conversation I could tell she was a woman of values, and lived a very positive life. On my way to bed that night she stopped me as I was going to my room, she handed me a bible and said that she thought that I was such a great guy and could benefit from reading what was in the book. She went on further to say that God has some big plans for me and that I could do a lot of good things. I was about to tell her about my teenage years of doing ministry work but for whatever reason I didn’t divulge that and instead thanked her for her kind words and went on my way. It was inspiring to hear those things from her though. I’d like to think that I’ve retained those core values of my youth and while I don’t participate in any religious activity, that my spirituality lives within me and shines on to those who are in my world.

The plan for the night before bed was to watch a movie with Rocky, but shortly after the film started and could hear him quietly snoring. About one third into the movie I to decided it was time to rest so I shut it off and went to bed. I think I wanted Rocky and I to connect more than we did during our experience. He impressed me with his sense of duty and how he treated his wife and step-daughter. It wasn’t a crush or anything for those of you out there thinking that. We live very different lives and there are parts about my life he would never understand. By mid Wednesday I could see ourselves doing different things and it was clear we weren’t melding. He had this strange obsession with working out and he talked about it a lot. He talked about the different things he has done to get himself into shape and he even showed me pictures of the progress he has made with his body. It was getting kind of vain the more he talked about it. I wondered how his wife put up with it to be honest; I assume it was her who had to take all those pictures of him in different poses. We all have our vices I guess. I thought only gay men could be so much into that stuff, definitely a turn off for me.

At 7am, actually it might have even been sooner, aides came into our room to grab our bedding. Literally had we been naked under them we would have been screwed. I was a bit disturbed how military it felt actually but I suppose if there was one thing I learned about the Shouldice hospital it was that everything ran on a schedule much like a factory. Since we were forced out of bed, we both started to pack our bags as we knew we were leaving that morning whether we thought we were ready to go or not. After breakfast we waited back in our room for the doctor so he could take out the remainder of our clips. I was surprised to learn that we wouldn’t be getting any prescriptions for painkillers and that “Tylenol and Advil” should do. I guess they were right though since that’s pretty much all we had on Wednesday for the pain. I found out from a nurse that the codeine pills I was taking was part of my gas problem so I opted out of taking any more. I was also surprised that they didn't bandage up the incision and that we were to leave it uncovered. Once the clips were out, the wound flattened out completely and unlike stitches the wound should heal totally flat. It didn’t seem as big either once the incision was left just on it’s own. There are track marks from where the clips dug into the skin, but those should disappear within a few days.

Around 10 or so most of us had been discharged and were waiting for our rides. Lucky for me my friend Geoff who had planned on visiting me that day anyway offered to give me a ride home instead. We all disbanded in such a effortless way, no hugs, no handshakes, it was odd really as we all had become so dependent on each other throughout the week. I barely remember saying goodbye to Rocky, I’m sure I did but it wasn’t very memorable. As I walked out the front door, I closed the chapter on my experience at Shouldice. I was overall really satisfied with my journey from the nervousness of Monday through to the recovery on Wednesday. It's going to be something I'll remember for the rest fo my life.

When I got home I had a bit of a emotinal breakdown, I don’t know if it was because I was suppressing my emotions throughout the week, maybe it was the loneliness of my apartment. I couldn’t stop crying. I guess I just needed to feel all the things that had happened throughout the week. I wished in so many ways that I wasn’t alone and felt let down by the fact that I was. Obviously it was a weak moment on my part but it reminded me that I am human after all. I’m not sure if having someone there would’ve made a difference, in many ways I think I needed to let those emotions out, even if it made me feel less stronger than I think that I really am.

Today has been good though, I’ve been up since 9, managed to clean up my place a little and finally take a good long shower. I know that my recovery won’t happen overnight but I know that through the support of good friends, and my undying will to push myself, I’m going to make it through this just fine. Brian is dropping JJ off later today so that will help things feel a bit more normal. My place is so quiet without the presence of my tiny four-legged friend. I can’t help but feel guilty for taking so much time off of work, hopefully this feeling goes away. I’m in no condition to be on my feet nor do I feel like I could deal with clients either. I’ll try to do an update early next week to keep you posted on how things have progressed. Thanks for listening.

F R E E D O M!

Slowly the weight is being lifted off of my shoulders... For months of denying myself what I truly deserve, to finally let go it feels a little surreal. For what it's worth, I learned alot about myself in the process and I look forward to the next time I get as close as I did this time to someone. No one is really to blame - Either it works or it doesn't. I've deleted at least two posts from earlier this year that were rants about how frustrated I was. Of course things would improve and then it would be cut to me deleting the post. All of us have needs and the art of a great relationship is when those needs are acknowledged and for the most part met. There is always going to be ups and downs as time goes on but I think the core of it must remain true. I'm confident I will experience that at some point in my life, I've come along way. In the meantime I'm not going to waste my time licking wounds but rather turn the page on this little piece of my history and carry on with what matters. It's a new dawn... it's a new day... and I'm feeling good!