Michael...

I was walking home from the grocery store yesterday when I overheard a girl yell to a friend of hers across the street that "Michael Jackson died..." It took me a few seconds to digest what I had heard but as the minutes went by I began to ponder did he really just die? I sat down on a concrete bench to check CNN.com on my blackberry - It was the slowest load ever and I lost patience so I checked Facebook instead. Sure enough 5 or 6 of my friends status updates were about Michael. "Was this for real?" I kept saying to myself still not really believing what I was reading. When I got home about 10 minutes later I dropped my grocery bags at the door and quickly turned on CNN on the television. At the time CNN wasn't confirming that he had died but rather that he had a cardiac arrest and was at UCLA hospital. Two major news sources were the first to confirm his death (LA TIMES & CBS NEWS) and eventually CNN confirmed it as well after they spoke to the LA coroner. I was in shock like the rest of the world - I couldn't look away or do anything else but watch as the story unfolded. From the words on the screen to the videos they were playing - it was intoxicating. This was HUGE!

I remember vividly when Diana died as I was home that night and was flipping through channels when I came across CNN and it said that she was injured in a car accident. I also watched that story unfold too on TV as eventually the words "Princess Diana killed" came across the screen. I equate Michael's death in very much the same way Diana's death effected the world. He was the Elvis Presley of my generation - like him or hate him - he redefined pop culture and more importantly redefined pop music. Sure he had a ego the size of Texas and was so self-obsessed that he kind of lost touch with reality in the later years. At the end of the day... His music will be his legacy as will his ability to entertain. Rest in peace Michael.

Time Goes By...

14 years ago today I came out. It was my first father's day since my dad had died. June 18th, 1995. Taking a moment to reflect... This is a story I wrote to go along with an invitation I sent out for my 10 Year Queer party I had 4 yrs ago.

"Well on June 18th 1995 not really knowing what I was getting into I strolled down to City Hall in Calgary where I was living at the time and decided to check out some rally that was going on. I read about it in the newspaper and it peaked my interest. Being 17 and quite new to town I thought that I could make some new friends at this event and perhaps allow myself to discover something about myself that's always been. I had always felt some sort of connection to this crowd, the outsiders, the rebels... My father had passed earlier that year and with that I was on the verge of discovering a new found freedom from him that was forever going to change my life for the better and give me experiences that prior to that moment I could only dream about.

So Mom drops me off not too far from the rally itself, "be careful" she said as I closed the car door, she knew that what was going to take place that day would perhaps give me the happiness or connectedness that she knew I longed for. It was only the day before she saw me make this big sign at home with felt markers and Bristol board that I wanted take to the rally with me. I'm sure she was just a little curious about my motive but then again I can't say that this ambition was anything I was in control of and in a way was guiding me to where I needed to go.

In search of an identity that I could call my own, I walked with my big sign over to where all the people were gathering. There were lots of people there, more than maybe I would have thought as it was damp and cold cause it had been raining all day. Without saying much to anyone, I began to feel a internal comfort just by being close to it all and as I stood there in the rain, my sign all wet and mess I knew that I'd finally come home. That was the day I came out..."

The Journey Continues...

My life has been full cathartic experiences... I could never have gotten to one place without going through another place first. I've taken some pretty big risks in my 31 years, each of them has paid me out in different ways. One of my favorite quotes - "To risk is to stretch, to stretch is to grow". I'm not sure who actually said that - but it's brilliant. People often ask what's the meaning of life. I truly believe it has something to do with that quote. At the end of the day we are all searching for something, those who are hungry will get fed, those who are not will be ignored. There are times where you just can't seem to find anything that will ease your starvation, and there are other times when you feel like you've taken on too much. I'm not here to be anyone's counselor but I think that it's important to always be aware of what's going on around you and to be awake enough to recognize when something isn't right.

About 5 or 6 weeks ago I was walking home from work, I think had just closed the store or something and I just kept thinking to myself what a shitty place I was in. I wasn't getting any satisfaction from my job, B and I were on the outs; it felt overwhelming! How did I get here? How long have I been accepting this mediocrity? I knew I had to do something about my situation before it would get any worse. I had to hold myself accountable to making the necessary changes in my life to move forward and feel like I was in the drivers seat again. So often it's easy to be the passenger and let the world take you for the ride. It's takes a good kick in the ass to wake up from the nightmares and getting onto a more progressive road. It's easy to feel sorry for yourself, everybody does it. It feels good sometimes to cry like a baby and say "poor me". What takes balls though is to accept responsibility for where you are. It's only from there can you start to take the required steps to eliminating all that isn't working, and start thinking about what will.

During my annual review this past March I set a deadline in my mind as to when it would be time to consider other employment opportunities. I was brought on to this company with the anticipation of a career path that would allow me to grow in my abilities and feel great while doing it. It's hard to see the light when so much shit is flying around you. I should have recognized the cracks in the wall earlier but I was hopeful and believed it would only get better. Throw in a off-cycle salary increase of $4000 and a passionately expressed commitment to me from my boss' supervisor. I really did think I was going places. I was played a fool, I realize that now, but ultimately it's not about the money or the broken promises, it was about how I put so much weight in the "could be" column vs. the "will be" column. I lived in the "could be" mentality as long as I could, it was only a matter of time before I woke up and realized that I wouldn't be getting any of the rewards that I wanted. I decided was that my surgery at the end of May would be my deadline to do something. I would need to have something else on the go otherwise I would have to accept my current reality for what it was. Everyone always thinks the grass is greener on the other side, however in this case I actually knew that it was and that played a big part in my motivation to get things going. We tolerate to the point that we feel like we're breaking. I began looking at job sites around March but it wasn't until a few "bad days" at work pushed me to apply to some opportunities. I put a sign on my fridge that said "APPLY APPLY APPLY - You deserve better - NO MORE EXCUSES!!" I wrote it one night after coming home from one the worst days ever. It stayed on my fridge until I replaced it with my resignation letter for AX. Never did it feel so good to sign my name to a document!

Cue phone call from Howard. "Hello?..." "Hi Derek, it's Howard from HMV..."

My former co-workers from Banana could tell you all about my HMV dreams. My mother could even tell you stories I'm sure about how bad I wanted to be a rockstar. I met with HMV 5 years ago. Music has been my life, so much so that my father signed my contract to Columbia House when I was just 9 years old. "13 cassettes for 1 cent" - You know the deal. That was a major milestone in my life because it was the first time I was able to have my own music. I felt so lucky to have all the new releases! It was from there that my life long obsession to always be on top of what's current in music began. I've never really been interested in the hottest trends in fashion - I like my labels but that's really where the love affair fizzles. How did I end up in apparel anyway? Regardless, the retail fashion industry has been very good to me and given me the experience to be considered for my next move.

Howard this time around was just as charismatic as he was before. He was calling me to catch up and to see where I was at with things. To give you a time frame it was the first week of May and if you've been following the story so far you'll know how perfect the timing of his call was. Truth is I had bookmarked a job posting on Monster from HMV two weeks earlier but never actually applied. In fact earlier in the week that Howard called, I had went to apply but the posting had been taken down. Guess it wasn't meant to be I thought. After some small talk , he mentioned there was a job opportunity at Toronto's flagship location that he thought I might be interested in. As it turns out it was the same position I had meant to apply for before. We set up a time to meet the next day and the process began from there. Every couple weeks the process moved along. First interview turned into second; then references, etc. I learned that they were being incredibly particular with who would get the job as the position has been vacant for over 4 months and they had met with alot of people already. None of this information made me nervous - no one was better suited for this job than me and I made sure that all my interactions with the powers that be understood that. I secretly had my insecurities and was afraid that my retail fashion background might not come across as relevant to HMV. Long story short - okay maybe it hasn't been that short but anyway - I did end up being chosen the top candidate and I accepted their offer on June 11th. Ironically or not I accepted the position at AX on April 11th, 2008. Darryl a good friend of mine made a joke that on 411 I was looking for information and on 611 I was calling for repairs. You may have to read that twice to get the funny.

So as the next chapter in my career begins I just wanted to take a moment to reflect on how I got here and give hope to anyone out there who feels stuck. If there's one thing to remember - Nothing is forever. You have the power to change. Don't wait for something to happen, do it yourself.

Laying Low...

Well things are healing up quite nicely down there. I still have a fair bit of pain in my ab muscles and lower groin. The bruising is quite extreme - but that should clear up sometime in the next week or so. I've been forcing myself to be active and not sit around all day. I get bored too easily and I tend to go a bit stir crazy if I'm not doing something interesting. I don't miss work really but I miss the energy of doing something productive. I go back there in a few days depending on how I feel. These next few days I'm going to try finishing the books I started to read last week and perhaps try to make some space on my PVR by watching things I've taped weeks ago. Exciting stuff isn't it? Time off isn't all it's cracked up to be.