And the beat goes on...
Here we are in June which happens to be one of my favorite months. Works gets a lil crazy with events and it seems like every weekend is jammed with stuff to do.
This year is a little different as I'm back out there playing the field. I purposely avoided dating or even being visible for a good 4 months after I left D. "Off the Grid" I called it. I think I needed time to regroup and figure out my next steps. So in April I decided that it was time to get back in the game and start making myself a bit more available. Here a date, there a date - I started to see what this crazy dating world would be like after being away for so long (at least it felt like awhile). Turns out it's kind of like riding a bike. I missed feeling sexy. I missed the affection. I missed all the butterflies and sparks. Maybe because I had not felt those things in awhile - it was like a rebirth of self-confidence and believing that even at 35 I could still play with the best of them. I know I will read this post later when I'm 40 or even 45 and be like "really??." I think the only perspective we know is the one we can see. As much as we think we know how the world works - that we know how it all is - we really don't and I think that's what makes living life so exciting.
So back to me - it's true I really did question my ability to get back out there and get attention and turn heads like I did in my twenties. I think the lesson I have learned in my thirties is to not believe that any of those things actually matter and that if you "buy into the good stuff" that ultimately "you have to buy into the bad stuff". As I type that I realize how much easier it is to write that than it is to believe it. We all have egos. We all have a heart. Two opposite forces working against each other in a constant battle of what makes us feel good. It would be great to go out and get no attention from anyone and still feel just as good walking home as it does on nights where you go out and you're totally the "belle of the ball." I suppose maybe that's what married folk feel. I certainly don't love the game playing that happens when you're single. Never really knowing what time it is with the person you're with. I challenge myself to be a better communicator than I was in my twenties. Life is not a guessing game and every day you waste wondering what the other person is feeling, is a day you'll never get back. I'm not there yet but after a few boys disappointing me already this year - I'm promising myself to be more honest.
I don't miss too much about my relationship but I do miss the sense of security of having someone to come home to. I liked making dinners and watching TV on the couch and having someone to sleep beside. I got to experience these things for the first time. So it's with these thoughts that I find my motivation to find another. Except that I won't be as fast to compromise so much of myself to make it work. It's that same sense of pride that I take with me now on each date I go on as I seek out my next partner in crime. Don't get me wrong - I plan to enjoy this new world of dating but I am also not going to give anything away. Look out for number one - always.
posted by Derek at
10:52 PM
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